My Own Mental Health Story Part 2

If you haven't read part 1 of my mental health story which I posted last week, I would urge you to read that prior to reading this post, as this is part 2 of my own mental health story which I decided I would like to share with whoever is interested in reading it. Here is the link for part 1 - https://thefaceofmentalhealth.blogspot.com/2020/03/my-own-mental-health-story-part-1.html

To recap, in my first post I described the time period between August 2014, to September 2015. In September 2015, I returned to the University of East Anglia, Norwich, UK to restart year 1 of my Biological Sciences course having postponed my studies due to my worsening mental health difficulties in the previous academic year. As I wrote in part 1 of my story, from the first Saturday I arrived in Norwich and my parents left me, I didn't stop drinking for 28 days. I was only leaving my shared student house to go to the local Tesco supermarket, or petrol station to buy a bottle of vodka and some convenience food.

The only reason I stopped drinking after the 28 days, was because my parents were coming to visit me 4 weeks into my return to Norwich. Little did they know, I had barely attended any classes, and the ones that I had attended I was drunk for. They also didn't know that I had begun having suicidal thoughts. During any brief periods of relative sobriety in this 4 week period, my depression and anxiety was crippling me, which just made me drink more. So it was a Friday night, the 28th day of my drinking, and my parents were visiting the next day. I couldn't be intoxicated during their visit.

For any of you who know the dangers of continuous daily binge drinking for a reasonable period of time, you will know that it is very unwise to suddenly stop drinking, and you should cut down gradually over a period of days or even weeks to prevent unwanted withdrawal symptoms. I had no idea about alcohol withdrawal however. I didn't sleep that night, tossing and turning in bed with increasingly growing anxiety. I was incredibly irritable and the depressant effect of the 4 weeks worth of alcohol was seriously suppressing my mood.

The next day my parents arrived and noticed I was shaking, due to the alcohol withdrawal. I passed it off as a fever I was recovering from. No follow up questions from my parents with that excuse. As the afternoon grew into the early evening, we went into a pub to watch some sport that was on the TV. During the football (soccer) match, my shaking and trembling had got worse. Suddenly, and I mean very suddenly, while watching the TV, my entire body went into shock. I was convulsing, and my body was shaking uncontrollably in every direction. Concurrently, I was hearing strange music and seeing 3 strange, clown dressed figures dancing in the forefront of my head. I tried thinking of something else, and distracting my mind, but I wasn't in control. What I now know happened, was I had experienced an alcohol induced seizure and had begun experiencing delirium tremens, the most severe form of alcohol withdrawal, potentially lethal.

Without delay, we ordered a taxi from the pub to the hospital. In the emergency room at the hospital, my hallucinations were increasing in severity and twisting my mind to believe they were reality. I was hallucinating a tall man, dressed as a clown, holding a bloodied knife, running around with superhuman speed attempting to slit people's throats. I was also still shaking uncontrollably. I thought I was going insane and that I was imminently going to die. My heart was racing at a million miles per hour.

I won't bore you with any further details of this horrific experience, but it was confirmed by the assessing doctors that I had experienced a seizure as well as delirium tremens, severe acute alcohol withdrawal. I spent the next week in hospital, and vowed never to drink again. I went back to the student house after being discharged from hospital. I felt down, depressed, anxious, helpless, useless, hopeless, and suicidal. I walked 45 minutes that evening to a local Samaritans branch in Norwich and poured my heart out to one of the volunteers. He talked me round a bit, and I felt slightly more positive.

I had decided that evening I would return to University the next day and crack on with my studies. No more alcohol, proper diet, proper sleep and not isolating myself in my room. I could do this, I was determined. The next day I drank. A week and a half later I was back in the hospital, for a 6 day stay this time. On the day of discharge my Mum came to the hospital to pick me up. I knew my brief University adventure was over. I needed to get myself help before I could even think about returning to University. I began seeing my key worker from the mental health services at home again, having to continue with the bizarre lie from part 1 of my blog, where I told my Dad the reason for my drinking was that I was having alien abduction experiences. A complete and utter falsification of the truth.

Over the next few months I was controlling my drinking. My parents at this stage knew I had a problem, so I was only drinking when I could "get away with it" and having to hide the evidence. During this period I also felt useless, guilty, like a failure at life. While my friends were mostly all in their second year at University, progressing well and enjoying an independent life. I was on my own, struggling and losing an intense war with my own mind. I was convinced for a while that I was going insane.

I had a job at a petrol station in my town. I always loved travel so I had booked a trip around South America for Summer 2016. Also, when my mental health had improved slightly by the stability of living at home with my parents and not isolating myself or drinking nearly as often, I had made the decision to attempt University again, this time studying Environmental Science at the University of Sheffield, UK. From the months between December 2015 and June 2016, my mental health improved slightly. I wasn't drinking as often and I had far more techniques to distract myself with while living in the comfort of my parent's home. I also enjoyed my full time job at the local petrol station which significantly improved my well-being and gave me more of a sense of self worth. Before I knew it, it was July 2016 and I was leaving my house to travel around South America for a month.

I think that's enough for this week's post. If you have enjoyed my posts so far, please give me a follow as I will aim to post at least once a week. Also, if you haven't already, feel free to check out my twitter and follow me. https://twitter.com/mentalhblog

I appreciate all the support I get. You can also comment on either of my post; all feedback is also much appreciated. Look out for part 3 of my story coming soon. Look after yourself, and take care, Matt the mental health blogger.